Well, today has been an up and down sort of day to say the least about it. My change in humulin did not work on day one. I shall give it another day but I know in myself that changes work on day 1 for me or they don’t work. My diabetes just…is like that, and always has been. It used to drive me barmy when I’d be off school for weeks wasting days waiting for changes I knew wouldn’t happen. It is frustrating to be good sometimes but I will give it another couple of days. I’m starting to get bored of eggs though. I lack other carb free foods in my abode though, unless I just sit and eat cheese but I’m not that desperate yet. Usually we have lots of carb free things knocking around but because I need them there is nothing to be found. Typical. The past three days have allowed me to perfect my egg scrambling skills though. Little victories.
First thing I got told when I got up this morning was that I’m lazy. That triggered me into a mess of depression and anxiety. On the one hand I felt down, useless ect and on the other I felt an anxious ball of rage because hey, I have CFS and that ain’t laziness. I worked my arse off yesterday around the house and the consequence is sleeping in. I need to be more assertive and learn to say ‘no I can’t do all that’ and I really need to learn to do that quickly. I have a group therapy session that should be covering that this week so I hope I pick up some great tips and can put them into practice asap. That first downer was combated by the release of the new Thor trailer because helllllo, Loki. And Jane. Man, I love Jane. Anyway, I moved on and began an attempt to be assertive by not doing the dishes. This is a task I can leave till my dad gets in for him to do according to him but I hate seeing dirty dishes and I get anxious every time I see them and it builds and builds and then I do them all and am knackered.
Well today, I didn’t. I left them all and added to the pile at meals and it was so hard. I felt terrible leaving them but all the things in the house should not be left to me. I’m at home all day because I’m ill, not because I fancy living out Dobby’s dreams. It is ok to share the load. Hell, I want to share the load so I need to calm down and actually let myself leave some things I have been trained MUST BE DONE OR ELSE. So, that is going to be a challenge for me this week too.
I made dinner. The baked potatoes failed to bake. I did all the right things but they just…didn’t bake. Must have been a bad batch or something, I don’t know but I got barraged with questions that made me feel like I was being accused of being an idiot. I mean, yes I know what temperature to cook them at? I’ve been doing it for 8 years? That became mood slump number two, trigger trigger boom boom. My friend was hauling me out of it when I basically got told to suck it up? By someone who suffers from depression too. That was fun but I decided hey, let’s just walk the dog and it will be ok.
It was, until my mother fell and went head first into a wall and cracked her head open. By some miracle I didn’t have a panic attack and got us picked up, taken home, and proceeded to clean her up while trying not to freak. the. hell. out. It hit me after and I blamed myself because that is how my brain works and yet again my friend was there to haul me out of it and assured me that actually I did really well. I kept my panic under control and did all the right things at all the right times. I’ll realise that later but now is harder. I know your body is only able to be anxious for so long but I think my body is currently going for a world record. None of my ‘therapies’ have worked in calming me down so I’m just trying to ride it out.
So, I’ve been down, up, down, up, down today. Feeling is exhausting.