Wordless Wednesdays

Wordless Wednesdays

Feeling brighter than usual today so off to the quary with pup. Felt brave enough to let him off his lead. He rewarded me with behaving. We’re both coming along nicely. ….yeah, wordless.

family dinner – an anxiety poem

Another poem I jotted down after surviving a family meal and then drinks in a pub. On a Friday night. Winner.

 

fifteen of us go to celebrate a birthday
all laughing and talking and oh so loud
my heart races at how busy it all is
i can feel my anxiety rising slowly
laughter rings in my ears and i fight
you won’t ruin this for me, i tell it

dinner is nice and i interact a little
i tell myself i can do it, and join them at the pub
not everyone goes, my safety net leaves
notes in a glass make me feel i need to stay
every penny is precious and i shouldn’t waste mine
rum and coke and laughter and cheer, i make it through

 

Victory over Anxiety at the Cinema!

Image

 

I prattled a couple of months ago about my quest to go to the cinema alone and see Star Trek and then I forgot to post and say that I actually managed it. It was a rather huge deal. It was scary and yet fun and of course with anxiety disorders one of the best ways to move past a fear of a certain place or ‘thing’ is to keep doing it. So today, I headed off to the cinema again to see Monsters University. Going to the cinema alone is a daunting task for someone with social anxiety but I have a couple of tricks I use.

– Distraction on the journey there. I hate public transport though I’m better at coping on it than I was before. I get nervous on the way to the cinema though because of what I know is waiting for me and in my mind that is the scary part not the fun film part that I think of. I listen to music and look out the window and stuff.

– I buy my ticket online before I go. This is awesome for two reasons. One it helps force me to go because I’ve already paid for my ticket. Two it means that when I get there I don’t have to stand in a queue and buy my ticket and worry about if they have me down for the right time and how to pay for it and all the other things I worry about. It is taken care of. It also means I don’t need to deal with people trying to sell me over stuff like popcorn and juice that I don’t want because I don’t particulars want to bankrupt myself.

– I leave the bus before I need to, if that makes sense, in order to make sure I’ve lots of time so that if things do go wrong they can without it automatically meaning everything goes to hell and I miss my film. It removes a good chunk of anxiety when things are going right too because I have that buffer.

– I go during the week, mid-afternoon when it can be quieter.

Today was different though because it is the school holidays and despite it being kind of obvious it only started to hit me as more and more people started to filter in that holidays meant children and I was seeing a U rated Disney film…Needless to say the place was soon packed. By the time the film started there were a handful of seats left in the room. People were using their phones as lights to find spare seats. I had about half an hour waiting before the film itself started, through the adverts and all, to rip myself to shreds mentally and that is what I did. That half hour was horrible.

The more people appeared the harder I found it to get air into my lungs and the more I wanted to run away. I think the fact that the cinema is so expensive is one of the reasons I kept my arse in my seat at first. I kept having to repeat to myself that I could do it, I had done it before, I had no rational reason to fear the people around me. Everything I had been taught in therapy and CBT classes came into play and I got to the start of the movie but I was feeling sick, lightheaded and afraid. My blood sugars rose from the adrenaline spike but as the movie started I calmed down. It was a use of distraction in medical terms really but it is still important that I managed to get through that part.

Monsters Inc. is my favourite Disney movie and a rather random choice I know but I’m not into romances or haunted houses and it felt like when I was growing up there was a lot of that and then BOOM monsters. I was on board with that like a shot. So yeah, getting to see the …sequel prequel was pretty awesome and fun. It felt like it was dragging slightly in bits but it kept me amused and I’m really proud of myself for going. I need to go to the cinema alone again though because it was more challenging today and I need to be able to cope better with a busier screening. Problem is I need something to see. Wolverine has been claimed by the bestie to go see so I need to have a wee think about my next challenge.

A Wii-Work Out With Added Playlist~

Today saw another huge step on my recovery from being an exhausted diabetic hypo/hyper on wheels. YAY! Ahem, in better explained terms I managed to do a work out. I pulled out the wii-fit board and literally wiped the dust off it to check my weight and then thought ‘well it is all turned on now…why not have a wee go?’. I’d conveniently pulled out the wii when my bloods were in an acceptable work out range so I decided to try some hula hooping.

 For those not following my twitter moans I managed to break my pinky toe walking the dog yesterday (who even does that?)  so I couldn’t do anything where I had to put my full weight on the board and I can’t walk outside because shoes hurt. Hell walking inside hurts but shoes maul my feet and I’ve yet to unearth a pair of something that don’t. I am feeling sorry for myself so getting to be active in some way without pain was rather awesome if I do say so myself. I let my toes hang over the edge of the board and got my hips going. I did well and for some reason decided that clearly meant I could do a 10 minute hula session that I unlocked before I got ill and was something resembling fit. What a fool. The wii fit locks that stuff at first for a reason.

I about died but finished it off. I then did some abb crunch things and proceeded to make the same mistake twice by thinking ‘of course I can still do 30 reps!’. Again with the dying thing. I made it though. I followed that up with a little cycle on the bike and in total did about forty-five minutes stuff. I was waiting for the big energy crash and thought it would be worth the wee work out I’d managed but…it hasn’t come. I was fine and am still very much with it hours later. I didn’t go hypo either. I am insanely happy about these facts. Before I realised how ill I was any time I did manage to drag myself onto the bike or pull out the wii fit I went hypo and ended up in an exhausted heap. Or both. That wasn’t fun, especially when I was trying to lose weight through exercise along and I’d end up eating what I had burnt off. I’m sure many diabetics, of both types, can relate to how freaking annoying that was.

The doctor’s kept encouraging me to try and do a little wii fit every time I felt I could as energy builds energy ect ect but this is the longest work out I’ve managed in forever that wasn’t just walking around. I’m really proud of myself and it shows me how far I have come. I have no idea when my bloods will next be under 13 at a time where I have energy but I await it happily, confident that I will be able to make the most of it once more. I don’t run high all the time or anything but often when my bloods are ok I’m just tired to my bones. So yes, progress. I do like me some progress.

For a giggle, I shall share some musical information~ I know a lot of people make work out playlists. I don’t, but I do have a go to genre and it isn’t the expected fast beat pop or dance many use to work out. I like angry rock music. Or angry pop music that is trying to sound like rock music. I’m looking at you Miley. I don’t get an endorphin rush when I exercise which is really freaking unfair and so I think the angry music is very fitting. I won’t be stopped from doing the good thing, I can do this without a shiny burst of happy, IMMA BE A BOSS! I may take this very seriously. I may have a very ‘just you watch me kick your ass body’ sort of attitude to the whole work out thing. Whatever works eh? For the record, my work out music from today. Blasting in my headphones as I sang along, loudly and off key, and the dog looked on in bemusement. Go Grem go!

Robot – Miley Cyrus
Conquistador – 30 Seconds to Mars
Getting Away With Murder – Papa Roach
Zombie – The Cranberries
Burn It To The Ground – Nickelback
Enter Sandman – Matallica

Anxiety Perhaps?

Anxiety Perhaps?

If any of these feel familiar, it could be that anxiety is the culprait. Many with anxiety look ok from a distance but are dealing with all of this. Something for people to think about before they tell someone to ‘just calm down’.

Date for the Pump!

It is funny how sometimes you spend so long waiting for something that when it finally happens it takes you completely by surprise. That is what happened to me today. I’ve been on the waiting lit for an insulin pump for over 18 months now and not in the ‘this will improve things and make life easier’ sort of way but in the ‘there is no other option and I am medically unfit to work without it’ sort of way. Today, I finally received the letter confirming that I may start insulin pump therapy for my diabetes on the 12th of November this year. I have to go to a meeting to learn what will happen next in August. I’m so relieved and brimming with emotion, have been all day.

In my quest for my pump, I have been advised to move away from my family to parts of Scotland where I don’t know anyone, or get my family to uproot themselves and move too. It has been hinted at that one of the only ways to quicken the procedure would be to fall pregnant, and I’ve written many many angry letters to members of the Government and my local health boards. It has been a long journey. In February it was hinted that if nothing went wrong I’d start everything in January so to have things kick off in August is huge. I don’t get to choose which make of pump I will be receiving as the UK is more of a take what you’re given situation in some places but I do get to choose a colour! There is black, blue, pink, green, and silver. To be honest, that is more than I hoped for so happy! I think I will go for the blue one. My squinting at the print out I got given of colour examples makes me think it is an animas pump I will be getting but I will learn more next month. As long as it does the job I really don’t care.

It just feels like I’ve been given a date where I can start to claim my life back. Yes I’m still making progress with my social anxiety and things but my diabetes is a big road block with a lot of my other problems or at the very least a shield where until it is stable the doctor’s can’t say one way or another where my problems are coming from. When I start the pump I can start to move forward again. I know it is going to be hard and I’m going to want to throw it at a wall at some point but I have an awesome group of friends who are ready to pick me back up again.  My mum cried when I phoned her and when I phoned my best friend I could hear all the emotion in her voice too. I just feel really positive right now.

I can’t wait to get the type of pump confirmed for sure because then I can go about getting all the extra things to make life with it easier like pouches and straps and clips and things to make wearing it easier at different times. I can start looking at other testing meters and thinking about if another would be better, if there are certain technologies I should look into or if I’m happy with my current machine. I’m looking forward to setting up the insulin deliveries and working out all the stuff that should seem stressful because at least I will be doing something, being productive with my diabetes rather than just holding on and waiting. I needed to hear this right now because the heat is doing horrible things to my diabetes right now and my dawn phenomenon is doing back-flips at the moment. It is taking far longer for my body to right itself during the day and stuff.

Another reason this timing is brilliant is my little brother asked me if I had a pump the other day and I had to say no but I was waiting for one. He said a little girl in his class at school wears one and I had a couple of reactions to that. I knew there was a diabetic girl in his class because it leads to him asking me random questions about diabetes sometimes which is often pretty cool. I’m not going to lie, my first reaction was rampant jealousy. I know nothing about this girl or her diabetic control. I know she has only had type 1 a few years but that is all. I vaguely remember her being diagnosed. My brain went to the ‘she’s getting one because she’s a child, that isn’t fair. I need one because I’m SICK. I want my life back. Diabetes sucks. I hate everything’ and then I berated myself because that is so presumptuous and wrong of me. I still felt that way though. On the other hand, there was a little relief that my brother has been exposed to an insulin pump. He has seen it on his friend and has a general idea of how one works so that takes some pressure off me. My brothers are all 11 and under, and I worried how they would react to the idea that their sister would be hooked up to a machine for the rest of her life. I worried seeing it would freak them out and scare them, maybe even make it hard for them to interact with me or something. The brother with the friend is the one I’d probably worry about most but if he’s on board I will be ok. He will reassure the other two; he’s that sort of chap.

So yes very excited. Think I’m going to name the pump too, as it seems to be the thing. Rogue is a fine name I think. Gender neutral as I like that sort of thing and very fitting of my diabetes. It is a rogue and un-tamable beast that can’t be completely controlled but with a pump I think I can get a lot closer. 🙂