It is funny how sometimes you spend so long waiting for something that when it finally happens it takes you completely by surprise. That is what happened to me today. I’ve been on the waiting lit for an insulin pump for over 18 months now and not in the ‘this will improve things and make life easier’ sort of way but in the ‘there is no other option and I am medically unfit to work without it’ sort of way. Today, I finally received the letter confirming that I may start insulin pump therapy for my diabetes on the 12th of November this year. I have to go to a meeting to learn what will happen next in August. I’m so relieved and brimming with emotion, have been all day.
In my quest for my pump, I have been advised to move away from my family to parts of Scotland where I don’t know anyone, or get my family to uproot themselves and move too. It has been hinted at that one of the only ways to quicken the procedure would be to fall pregnant, and I’ve written many many angry letters to members of the Government and my local health boards. It has been a long journey. In February it was hinted that if nothing went wrong I’d start everything in January so to have things kick off in August is huge. I don’t get to choose which make of pump I will be receiving as the UK is more of a take what you’re given situation in some places but I do get to choose a colour! There is black, blue, pink, green, and silver. To be honest, that is more than I hoped for so happy! I think I will go for the blue one. My squinting at the print out I got given of colour examples makes me think it is an animas pump I will be getting but I will learn more next month. As long as it does the job I really don’t care.
It just feels like I’ve been given a date where I can start to claim my life back. Yes I’m still making progress with my social anxiety and things but my diabetes is a big road block with a lot of my other problems or at the very least a shield where until it is stable the doctor’s can’t say one way or another where my problems are coming from. When I start the pump I can start to move forward again. I know it is going to be hard and I’m going to want to throw it at a wall at some point but I have an awesome group of friends who are ready to pick me back up again. My mum cried when I phoned her and when I phoned my best friend I could hear all the emotion in her voice too. I just feel really positive right now.
I can’t wait to get the type of pump confirmed for sure because then I can go about getting all the extra things to make life with it easier like pouches and straps and clips and things to make wearing it easier at different times. I can start looking at other testing meters and thinking about if another would be better, if there are certain technologies I should look into or if I’m happy with my current machine. I’m looking forward to setting up the insulin deliveries and working out all the stuff that should seem stressful because at least I will be doing something, being productive with my diabetes rather than just holding on and waiting. I needed to hear this right now because the heat is doing horrible things to my diabetes right now and my dawn phenomenon is doing back-flips at the moment. It is taking far longer for my body to right itself during the day and stuff.
Another reason this timing is brilliant is my little brother asked me if I had a pump the other day and I had to say no but I was waiting for one. He said a little girl in his class at school wears one and I had a couple of reactions to that. I knew there was a diabetic girl in his class because it leads to him asking me random questions about diabetes sometimes which is often pretty cool. I’m not going to lie, my first reaction was rampant jealousy. I know nothing about this girl or her diabetic control. I know she has only had type 1 a few years but that is all. I vaguely remember her being diagnosed. My brain went to the ‘she’s getting one because she’s a child, that isn’t fair. I need one because I’m SICK. I want my life back. Diabetes sucks. I hate everything’ and then I berated myself because that is so presumptuous and wrong of me. I still felt that way though. On the other hand, there was a little relief that my brother has been exposed to an insulin pump. He has seen it on his friend and has a general idea of how one works so that takes some pressure off me. My brothers are all 11 and under, and I worried how they would react to the idea that their sister would be hooked up to a machine for the rest of her life. I worried seeing it would freak them out and scare them, maybe even make it hard for them to interact with me or something. The brother with the friend is the one I’d probably worry about most but if he’s on board I will be ok. He will reassure the other two; he’s that sort of chap.
So yes very excited. Think I’m going to name the pump too, as it seems to be the thing. Rogue is a fine name I think. Gender neutral as I like that sort of thing and very fitting of my diabetes. It is a rogue and un-tamable beast that can’t be completely controlled but with a pump I think I can get a lot closer. 🙂