Learning to Say No

I had been doing very well and my diabetes tends not to like that very much. A friend has been visiting so I’ve had the chance to do more things this week and that has kind of been my main problem. It is still very hard for me to realise that I can’t do certain things. Some days I’m just too tired and I can’t always predict when they will happen. Sometimes I know if I’ve done a lot one day I might be tired the next but sometimes it just happens. Sometimes my blood sugars are the same but I feel worse because of them. I don’t like having to say ‘we had plans but I can’t cause I’m ill.’ I’m learning to do that rather than pushing through and suffering but I still feel guilty and like I am ruining things for other people.

For example, my friend and I were meant to go to the Edinburgh Fringe festival at the beginning of the week but I couldn’t manage it so said we will go on Friday instead and then tomorrow I woke up utterly exhausted despite having a good amount of sleep and like my head was in a vice with more nausea than usual. I spent a lot of this morning cutting myself up between pride for saying so and guilt at taking away my friend’s chance of seeing the Fringe. The more I tried to do things, such as walk the dog or even walk up and down the stairs the more exhausted I felt so I know I have made the right decision in the end but I can’t shift the feeling. 

My depression is clearly playing a part in that too, trying to drag me down and ponder over things  that don’t matter anymore. It is done, we didn’t go, and my friend is awesome and is ok with it. I know she wouldn’t lie to me about how she felt over it. She has always been fabulous in dealing with and understanding my current health. Still, clearly it is something I need to continue to work on. I did what was important for me and that is important. End of.

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