Sometimes There is nothing to do and sometimes diabetes is a choice.

I have so many things to blog about running around my head, both for here and la_petite_sam, my more day to day non health blog. Wow so first up, the second edition of the Pillow Fort magazine came out and I am published in it. How fabulous no? The subject of this issue was ‘fun’ and I wrote about having fun in your bed. A lot of people think you are stuck inside a lot and think ‘urgh no fun’ well…no actually, lots of fun! It was fun and seeing myself published that way was a very emotional moment.

Remember you can get the magazine from the link in my sidebar or here if it sounds like your thing. It is really laid back and I think a lot of people in the diabetic, mental health and endomitriosis communities that I see on here would have really good things to share. Think about submitting an article maybe? Or just give it a wee read. You download it sure but it is all colourful and stuff.

Anyway, a lot has been going on with me. I’m on a roll in all stations with my pump. Something has just sort of clicked into place with it. I was told that would happen but it is one thing to be told and another to experience. I mean it isn’t perfect. With my eczema my sites always itch like hell and I want to cry. It is terrible. I’m pretty much allergic to the sticky part of my pump site but I need my pump. I’m pretty much always in pain or discomfort over something and have been for years so I guess I just need to accept it and do my best.

I am a lot more stable blood sugar wise. Waking up with an in target reading is an amazing feeling. I feel the rest of it is just what normal diabetics deal with. The horrid life stopping complication that was dawn phenomenon is dealt with. Now I just need to deal with the rest of it and sure that is a lot but when I think of how before was? I take it ever time. I think what bugged me before was diabetics ranting and raving about things they COULD control. Being diabetic is crap. I hate it. I don’t want to be. But hating it won’t cure us. It won’t change us. It won’t fix us. I had a complication I could not control with injections. My doctors were on the bases of managing the rest of it which I did pretty much perfectly but this one thing was out of a pen’s control. Now if my dawn phenomenon is an issue then it is my fault. I have the tools but I’m not using them properly. The answer it to talk to docs, do midnight tests, do things right and find the answer. I CAN do that and that is huge to me. Before I couldn’t. I was totally powerless to the whims of my crazy liver that thought it was off to outrun a lion.

I totally believe in ‘do your best, that is all they can ask’ but sometimes I ask myself if people really are doing their best? Could they do more? This disease can kill us. It comes before EVERYTHING else to me. What the fuck does anything else matter if you’re in ketoacidosis? Being powerless made me really envy those that had a power and really angry at those that have it and do nothing. They say work got in the way, kids, life, stuff. Yeah but if you are not on top of your diabetes and it doesn’t come first you lose ALL of that. Ok, you may not go into keto but anything outside of decent range makes a diabetic feel lethargic and we all know that. To deny it is lying to yourself.

I am not just a diabetic but if I don’t manage it to the best of my EFFORTS then I may slowly become my diabetes. Again. Some don’t have that choice. The diabetes takes over and there is nothing they can do. I both envy and hate those that can do something but chose not to.

That is just type one though. Then there are those told if they don’t change they are going to become type 2 and those are the people that make me sob into my pillow. Most do nothing. Or they become type 2 because they don’t listen to people warning them about lifestyle choices and diet. Then they have this organ failure which they could have prevented and chose not to. They chose to do nothing and not listen and then the organ fails. And people don’t want to say that. Heart failure, kidney failure, lung failure get sympathy but diabetics get scorn and hatred. Type ones had their organs fail out of NOTHING they did. SOME type tows did nothing. Some had a chance to do something and that is what gets me. That is what hurts. That is what makes me think ‘why me? I did nothing wrong.’

One thought on “Sometimes There is nothing to do and sometimes diabetes is a choice.

  1. wolfennacht says:

    Obviously I don’t have diabetes, but the general principle is applicable to lupus too, or probably any chronic illness: it’s no use complaining about the parts you can help. We suffer every day from these diseases that can kill us; it’s all well and good for someone to say “You’re not defined by your illness”, but in many ways our lives ARE. As you say, it comes before EVERYTHING. But we can find strength in what we can control about them and the small parts that are in our power. So many health issues that can arise–whether in diabetes or in lupus–can be inevitable, but by doing all we can, we can slow things down, or get a better prognosis by taking action when things happen and get sooner treatment than going into denial, as tempting as it can be sometimes. Becoming proactive and acknowledging our conditions constantly–and yes, in a way being defined by them too–doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom; in fact, I’ve coped much better mentally with lupus after finally accepting it’s going to be forever, it will in all likelihood get worse with time, and that I am disabled; most people I say that to don’t understand that, but it’s because pretending we’re not suffering from these issues doesn’t make them go away, and it just makes life harder while you’re trying to live a lifestyle that your condition isn’t compatible with.

    Congratulations on being published! It can drive me up the wall to be stuck indoors all the time, but only for the sake of getting some fresh air and seeing something other than the four walls of my bedroom! I actually get on well being stuck inside because I have so many indoor/non-physical hobbies. 🙂

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