Long time no blog. Thankfully this is because I’ve been out and about a lot more. I have also been battling a cold so when not out I’m curled up with a cup of tea. However, I have come on leaps and bounds in regards to my anxiety and overall mental health in the last couple of months. It has really settled into my brain that people are not always looking at me and when they are it doesn’t actually matter. I am happy with the way I present myself when I’m out and about and I’ve come to accept that other’s opinions on the matter just don’t matter. I have also come to terms with the fact that asking for a drink at the bar and asking them to fix my incorrect drinks orders (coke instead of diet) is ok because that is the person’s job and I pay for a service.
These mental shifts did not happen overnight. They are the result of years of therapy, lots of tears, and many many baby step trips until I could handle the outside world by myself. As I was promised though, the final shift was rather sudden and I admit I went a little wild! I had a couple too many drinks a few times and had a ball. Basically I did what I was too afraid to do at 18, now at 22, settled and am now back to a more normal routine but with added ability to Do Things. I have been out on Friday nights and then Saturday nights. I went to the town celebration day where we have a parade and pubs can sell drink from 7am till 1am and I was out nearly all day with friends. I didn’t drink all day but I saw plenty of people who did and wow. These are all things I feared doing before but now I feel confident. I feel confident to ask people if they want to meet up and I don’t take it personally if they don’t want to or can’t or refuse in whatever way.
Feeling more positive about my anxiety has meant I have been far less bothered by my depression as well. I don’t feel locked in a cage the way I did before. When at my worst I could go a week without going outside. Nico changed that as he needed walked but sometimes now if I can’t go out I feel bored. It has been very frustrating having this cold in my voice box as I need to stay in. I thought I had shifted it and went back to going out and about and ended up bed ridden for two days hacking up a lung and with a nose like a damn tap. Being diabetic it is taking ages to shift it but when I am in resting I’m getting bored. I don’t want to read, watch TV or internet. I want to walk my dog, pull my bike out, go to a cafe and in general life outside more. I think these are brilliant side.
My diabetes has taken really well to these outings as well too which is a plus. I’m pleased to report I’m going to start a little college course one night a week in the coming term. I’m going to do Spanish and I need to talk the whole time and get a bus to and from. I’m really looking forward to it and I feel I can do it. If I do handle it well then it shows I should manage to return to university in the New Year. So yes, at the moment I am feeling very positive indeed.