I meant to blog yesterday for the Friday prompt thing but I got distracted by friends all but planning to kidnap me to a formula one race in Italy. I have awesome friends. Today though I want to talk about my back problems and that is mostly because they are causing me a lot of bother at the moment. I’m currently waiting for my painkillers to kick in.
I’ve had back pain since my breasts started to develop when I was eleven. By the time I was thirteen years old I had my J cup breasts. From the minute my breasts appeared I wanted rid of them. They brought me unwanted attention and led to people sexually abusing me in the hallways of my own school my grabbing and touching them without my permission. That is assault. I just did not realise it at the time. The media makes big breasts seem like a fantastic thing but the reality of living with them is not so rosy. Along with the unwanted attention is the fact that bras will always be more expensive, harder to find, and don’t last very long. Wires are kind of required to hold the breasts up and they are not the most comfortable things in the world. People forget that breasts do not exist to be sexy. They exist to feed children and big breasts just mean there is more fat tissue there. Hunks of fat to feed babies. That is what omgb0oBs! are.
My boobs suck. I don’t want to have children so they certainly are not required but they also have the audacity to be really damn heavy. Really heavy. As in a stone between the buggers. Yes I weighed them…with the kitchen scales on the edge of the counter. Problem? The thing is I have very narrow shoulders and am all of five foot three inches tall. I really don’t have the frame to support those melons. And I can say melons because my boobs and melons size up together rather nicely!
The thing is, that much weight asking your spine to support it doesn’t go down well. I am in constant pain. My back is never ‘ok’ but I know I can’t be on painkillers all the time or I will get hooked so I only take them when it gets really bad and moving causes more of a ‘searing’ pain than the dull throb I feel every minute of every day. I have an orthopaedic mattress to help and a pretty pricey one too. When my pain got really bad I could not sleep in my bed. I tossed and turned and cried all night and when my dad got up at five am I would go to my parent’s room and sleep in their bed with mum because they had a special mattress. When I eventually got the same mattress for my single bed I found the mattress on it was also orthopaedic. It just wasn’t good enough. I love going on holiday and visiting friends but they are painful experiences where I don’t sleep much. When I visited a friend for a week this summer I slept badly and one morning had to spend an hour awake but unable to get up as I worked out the kinks in my back.
Having back pain is expensive. I was nearly £400 for my mattress and the reusable heat pad I use was another £40 and then there is the pain killers and the specific type of bags I have to buy in order to stop pressure building. When I go to university I actually use a little suitcase because I cannot handle the weight of my lunch, notebooks and any library things I need.
So, surely I did something about it you must wonder? Why yes I did. I went to my doctor. I want a breast reduction but that is not a conversation my doctors are willing to entertain. As far as they are concerned my spine remains in alignment so I should just carry on with life. Life. My life that constantly revolves around choices in regards to my back. I can take 15 books from the university library but I never do, even if I need them like right now as I work on my dissertation. My back could never get them home, even with my suitcase bag.
The NHS has a lot to answer for in regards to people who desire breast reductions. Or my surgery does at least. People with mental conditions are granted breast implants for self esteem. I have a physical condition and I cannot get a reduction. That is not fair. I do not compare the two types of condition as one being superior to the other but desire the same treatment. I am ill. They are ill. If one gets treatment then so should the other. We’re all in pain. For me this is not a cosmetic surgery. It is a way to deal with the pain I’ve lived with for twelve years. Daily. I no longer care what other people think of my breasts. Those who stare do not get my attention. They are like a warning system for arseholes.
But yeah, I have this pain all day every day and still society tries to say big boobs are good. Still people try and get my size and then go ‘oh it hurts.’ Yes. Yes it does. It hurts a lot. I don’t want to hurt anymore. Is that really such a huge ask to a health system set up to care for people?