It is coming back. Slowly. Surely. Painfully. My endometriosis pain. I am currently on my fourth type of treatment for this disease as I had a coil fitted some months ago. Those months have been glorious and the aches and pains of my body have been related to my other illnesses. My ovaries and uterus have remained blissfully quiet. Not even a drop of blood has hit my knickers. Then, as usual, the treatment started to become less effective. The dull throbs have started to return to my lower abdomen. Rectal pain has crept back into my life. It is not a huge problem at the minute. I throw some mefanemic acid at them and I continue with my day. The pain fades quicker than before and it does not disrupt my life nearly as much. But it is the beginning.
I have had one really bad moment since I started the coil over six months ago and that was last week in a history seminar. I found myself in unbearable pain in my abdomen and where I know the utter bastard of a left ovary sits. (It is always the left one). I could not sit up properly. I spent the seminar perched on the edge of my seat, my left first curled up and pressed into my side to try and create a different sort of pain that would cancel out the searing from within. How screwed up is that? I strategically fluffed up my parka jacket on the back of my seat to try hide my first based pain treatment from my classmates. I turned my pad of paper sideways on the desk so that I could still take notes and I hoped that the tutor who was sat less than a foot in front of me would not say anything because her eyes said she had noticed.
I know how this works by now. Each treatment is a plaster but as time passes it is like my life is a shower that is slowly peeling away the adhesive. Everything works for awhile and then life slowly falls apart. Now, I am pretty sure I will at least see the first three years of this coil out because the pain is so rare but I don’t see it working forever. Endometriosis is an irritatingly clever disease. It adapts. I better see this coil out. Due to narrow, tilted and high sitting cervix I had to be put under to get the damn thing.
It just horrible to be reminded that this won’t be the answer forever. If the disease keeps adapting then I will need to keep adapting too. I need to keep reading articles to look for possible treatments down the road. I need to lock them away in my mind and then present them to the Doctor when the time comes because Doctors are pretty shambolic about this disease. It is on my file but Doctors will still look me in the eye and tell me that they are not convinced but ‘if X says so’. Every stage is a fight. Every appointment has those disgusting demeaning words of ‘a lot of people have painful periods, you know’. They are thrown in my face as if I have not seen gynaecologists and I have not been knocked out and had some strangers hand right up my vulva and in and my uterus scraping around with a tool to do tests while I hobbled around for days afterwards. They say these words as if the tests did not prove that they are talking crap. If the only issue I had with this disease was that my period hurt I would be happy! I hobbled my way through life and bled through jeans in exam halls for a decade and I’m still here. It is the rest of the bullshit that pushes me over the edge. No one should have to deal with periods that are as painful as mine were but honestly, I could cope.
Plus, I don’t want to read articles that are in depth about endometriosis. Who on earth wants to read about linings of their organs packing their bags and moving to other parts of their body? That is horrific sci-fi shite right there. That is not people being squeamish about bodies. That is just nasty. The innards of my womb should remain in my womb. If my brain matter was leaking people would take issue with that and be sympathetic and horrified. The minute it is my uterus I’m probably calling bullshit and latching onto a term from the internet.
So the whole pain thing coming back is not just the pain. I can take the pain. I’ve lived with the pain with nothing more than standard ibuprofen and heat pads. It is all the bullshit that comes with it.