*dusts place off* Oops? I graduated. I went into that ‘why can’t I get a job everything sucks’ funk’. But then my good friend was writing about Nasty Women and some experiences you get being women such as male doctors trying to explain to women what a vagina looks like and things like that and mentioned me and my endometriosis rambles here. This reminded me not much of any rambling had been happening here. Oops.
So, bits of this were written up a while ago but then I slumped into who cares? Well I care? I like rambling to myself and hey if anyone reads anything here and it helps then cool.
What is new? Many things on the medical front and when I think on it more perhaps that is why I have been so quiet. A lot of medication got changed and I feared it not working. Or thinking it did and being proved wrong. Basically I feared looking stupid and that is a great place to start because my anxiety has been a real issue in the past twelve months. Again.
I cannot say when it began to creep up on me again. I think many would say I never got to grips with it at all but I certainly noticed a fall off the cliff where the fuck is my parachute change. Ahem. Exams are hard and I was coming up to the end of university. The Big Ones. My dissertation was crap. I knew that. I was ill with pneumonia while asthma I fought for years without knowing I had got worse and worse. I freaked out. I tried. I cried. I did my best. I guess that is all anyone can ask and that includes me of myself.
(I’m writing this knowing I’m going to link it to Steph to go LOOK I CAN UPDATE and yet I am anxious. English is her thing, guys. So there is a huge change she will see LOTS OF FAILS in how I write things and that makes me anxious which is ironic because HA. Not that I care overall cause it is Steph so boo bitch)
But the fact that I am so anxious at such a thing when I know damn fine she may tut and roll her eyes and think ‘what is this’ while never actually coming after me or hating me or disowning me says a lot. I mean she can’t disown me we’re going to Australia in six months. (Hahahahahahahaha fuck). Who gets tied up in their own chest over the idea that their friend might go ‘that grammar is not right’? Me. Fail.
I said in a last entry moons ago that my Dr changed my medication. Basically it has meant that for nearly a year I had no medication that helped me with my anxiety itself. I had medication that helped me with depression and if I am honest it did a pretty shit job. If I am even more honest I stuck with it for as long as I did because a, it is what my mum uses and I thought if she can hope on it I should be able to (what?!), b, it did so shit with my depression too that going to ask for something else seemed too hard.
For the last couple of months I have been on a new pill to aid my depression and anxiety and I think it works? I’m unemployed so anxiety and depression levels are relative at this point I think but at the end of being on fluoxitine alone I was having panic attacks nearly every day. Several times a day. I’d phone friends and I doubt I made sense. I tried to talk and open up but I didn’t know what I needed or wanted to talk about? I just needed them and that…doesn’t work over phone lines.
I take a pill every day to try stop migraines which it does until it doesn’t. Now when I get migraines they are far more like the symptoms you hear on the tv and read in books. Before I felt dizzy and banged into things and got tired and a million other things. Now I just …hurt. And I can’t be in supermarkets because their fridges and freezers make me want to claw out my own brain with the nearest blunt object which in most cases is probably a garden trowel.
Still I take anti depressants to make me sleep knowing that isn’t right but neither is not sleeping. If the pill that keeps you human is the one that makes you a zombie do you take it or neither or both and hope?
I joke I am the walking dead but I feel it. Setraline to stay sane. Trazadone to sleep. Levothyroxine to get up in the morning. Then that tiny white add on to stop my brain erupting within itself. I didn’t update for ages because it would become like this. I blink and I can HEAR the image right itself across my vision. Across my brain somehow.
Yet I did not start this over that…but I did not start this months ago because it would BECOME that. Odd world.
Endometriosis. You auld cunt. My implant went into my womb on the 14th April 2015. I’m the only one counting but I actually found the card today while looking for something else so huh. There you go. In theory that should mean that until the little coil needs removed I should have no issues. I already have issues though. 1: The writers of the card has turned the 2 into a 0 so the date it expires now reads 2020 when it would run out if used as a contraceptive this completely invalidating my agency as an asexual woman stating it will not be needed as a contraceptive and so it CAN remain in place until 2022. 2: Nothing stops Endometriosis the way it says it will.
I still feel cysts pop. Mini ones. The Drs know they are there but have no proof as they grow up and pop so quickly. I feel like a mad science experiment at all times. It is so demoralising as well because I guess at least with periods a person can have a general idea of when the pain will stop. Or at least when it will fade into that achy discomfort. Now when my endometriosis flares it can last for days and there is no comfort of ‘well by X I should start to feel Y’. The good thing about the community of people with this illness is that we band together. I am not strong enough right now to demand change to our treatment and more agency when pushing for treatment such as hysterectomies. Others are though and so that for me. Just like I did more before. When I am stronger in myself again I will take some of the weight back.
All spoonie circles are like that though. People think ‘community’ is just sitting there complaining about what hurts and why and sure we do that. We commiserate with each other but we also work together to better our situations whether that is sharing tricks to cope better or pushing initiations to make changes to better all of our lives.
So I guess this is a ‘hey i’m back’ and we will see how that goes. One day at a time.