play the game. you may lose.

Well I just decided that yes, it was my pump that was the problem and not my attempts to carb count.  I had enough insulin to crawl my way into tomorrow and I did not want to have to face a set fail on Christmas day so even though I was due in time terms to change my set I held off. I thought if it fails in the morning then ok, it is boxing day. It isn’t Christmas.

 

Yeah well I should have known better than the chance.

 

It took a few tests and a few attempted corrections and a few more’blimey that stuffing must be half corn’ to realise that my set was just done. The insulin was there but the link to my body was not. I feel silly and stupid. I should have known better.

 

I played the game and I lost and at half 8 on Christmas day, after hours of feeling crap, I’ve set a new set. I hope it works.

the in-between

What really sucks about being diabetic is when you hover in the in-between. On the one side is your body screaming that you feel sick, can’t really concentrate  and should take a break. On the other side is your mind screaming you don’t have time for breaks, you are not as bad as you could be and are you sure you’re not kidding yourself into getting out of work? The answer is my set failed today. My blood sugar hit 27. I then dropped to 6, climbed back to 16 and am now sitting at 9 all within 4 hours and one correction. I feel sick. I am sick. I should not try and study.

 

But I want to and feel I need to and am very aware of the deadline creeping closer and closer towards me.  I don’t even know how to get an extension on an extension and that won’t really help me anyway because there is another essay and a test and time is running out. The more I do nothing, even for the right reasons, the worse I feel. I get depressed and anxious and that makes it even harder to concentrate.

 

I hate the in-between.

Captain America Trailer

I’m excited about the Captain America: Civil War trailer. I promised not everything I wrote here would be about health because my life is not all about health so yay superhero ramblings.

Mostly, it is great to see so many avengers and characters from various individual films making the crossover. Sometimes the world feels rather disjointed. Where was Tony when Steve was bringing down Hydra, you know? Where was Steve when Tony was having panic attacks on live TV? Where was any proper discussion of Tony’s adventure in Ultron? I mean, Thor you can forgive and Bruce likes to hide but the lack of crossover within the Cap/Tony/Pepper/Happy/Rhodey circle has needed to come. Natasha is the connection but we need more than just her. I’m also glad to see the new avengers though slightly miffed I will need to cave and go watch Ant-Man.
I will end up loving it now I’m saying this but it just doesn’t appeal to me. Usually Marvel trailers have me all ‘I NEED THIS FILM’ and AntMan just didn’t do it for me. Neither did Guardians of the Galaxy. I later streamed Guardians and while I enjoyed the aesthetic and had fun I have no desire to re-watch it you know? But fantastic play from Marvel…everything makes more sense if you watch everything. Too bad for Marvel Putlocker is still a thing.

I really want to see the Avengers find out that PHIL IS NOT DEAD. I don’t care that Joss now sulks about whether it is in the universe or not. It still is so make it happen. Maria Hill still swoops between as do Hydra villains. I’m not saying bring in Daisy in right this instant to kick ass but have them stumble over CCTV, have them argue, have it be revealed Nat knows and make her say ‘it’s classified’ (cause she so would). SOMETHING. Agents of Shield is fun on its own but it really has the potential to combine SO well and there more minor actors/tv actors that work on the movies would happily work both so Marveeeeeelllll.

 

And I refuse to believe they couldn’t write even a 3 episode arc for one of the big guns to appear. Jeremy SO would. Hell I really think Chris and Robert would though Robert might be more pricey to convince. Plus I wanna see May kick Rumlow’s ass and totally not react at all to meeting Tony Stark cause she’s May and fuck people.

Anyway trailer. Bucky looks broken. I approve. I don’t think he should just get away with what he did but fandom seems to have fractured down the middle on that note. I do not believe he should be thrown in jail and the key thrown away because he was brainwashed and hydra brainwashing is canonically total control, no will of their own. It is nothing like cults or religion or political totalitarian regimes. People can still think for themselves. It is a capability that they have. Bucky’s character does not have that. It is part of what makes the brainwashing of hydra so terrifying and such a deep plot point. Yet no one who is under the influence of say, heavy psychotic medication or mental illness is punished in reality in the same way a cold blooded killer is. Stone killers you put in jail for ever. Mentally ill people you put in, yes a confinement, but with the medical treatment they need to reclaim themselves. They still must pay for their actions in time ect but they are given a certain amount of understanding. Or made to give back.

I believe Bucky should be contained but with mental health doctors and therapy. If he could be found sane enough to use his abilities to aid in certain situations then I see that a reflection of the real world. It is just on a magnified scale of circumstances. It is exactly what happens now. People are allowed out to do certain things under supervision, with someone taking personal responsibility of that person. I think that would be a good way to put things on screen but we shall see. To me, Bucky is a victim as well as a perpetrator. The world isn’t black and white, good people and death eaters or…Bucky and the Winter Soldier.

Those who did the brainwashing though? Deserve their fingernails ripped off with tweezers, because to strip someone of their identity, self will and control and make them do inhumane things is truly evil. I think it is the thing we fear most as humans, that someone could do that to us.

I don’t know if I’m team Cap or team Tony to be honest. If a person had that much power, I do think there should be some sort of record. Guns have records after all. The issue is I don’t trust the people who would have those records. So that puts me towards Cap. I just understand why Team Tony is a thing. Again, not black and white.

Pump Death: The Injection Edition

Today has been appalling. My diabetes has been weird this week. I always felt I was chasing it. It felt like my insulin never brought me down quite as much as it should, you know? Well today at slimming class I found out why <s>and now putting on that pound makes so much more sense as I’ve been pouring insulin down my throat</s>. I take my pump off to get weighed cause she’s a heavy bugger and because it raises awareness because people wonder what I’m doing. Little things in life you know? Well, I had put my second pair of socks and boots back on when I happened to notice my pump.

And the inch long crack down the middle of it. Right down the side of where the battery is kept has cracked open. I can get my nails down it easily. Spiderweb cracks are all over the side where the insulin is kept and the back in general looks…melted. I fell at the start of the week and banged my chest. I think I’ve started the crack and damaged the battery and it has slowly leaked? The pump itself claims it is working fine but evidence suggests not.

I’m really lucky I didn’t get a serious chemical burn from the battery acid o.o

No wonder my blood sugar has remained stubbornly in the high teens for 3 days. So I left mum in class and went into the hall’s kitchen area to phone animas, the pump maker. He took all my details of the damage, contacts and how I was being effected ie, high bloods, ketones and symptoms they log as ‘dehydration’ but the diabetics just say ‘thirsty’. He has stated that the pump will be replaced.

However, he cannot do that tonight. That needs to be signed off by the 9-5 team tomorrow. They can only fix things over the phone, not replace them. And he has no idea when my replacement would consequently arrive. So that is stressful. In the interim I am back on injections. Well, insulin pens. Stab and insulin goes in devices. I hate it. Taking an injection with a pen after 2 years just felt utterly bizarre. More than that though, I do not have the pump because it was a lifestyle change or because the stats like it as many diabetics do in other countries based on insurance. I have one because injections did not work.

Failure of the injections meant I could not work for 3 years. I could barely leave my damn house at times. Now I’m relying on them again? It is a horrible feeling. It shows why diabetics on pumps still get prescribed their ‘long acting’ insulin that can last between 12 and 24 hours despite using 5 hour insulins in the pump. The pump is my organ but is also a machine and machines break. You have to do a ridiculous calculation to convert pump insulin amounts to injection ones. It really is very complicated when the majority of people needing to figure that number out are doing it because their machine broke. But I managed it. Given my already terrible maths skills that is impressive but I had more maths minded people confirm it for me.

Of course that brought another dilemma. The calculation is based on a person taking one dose of a 24 hour long background insulin. Many people these days don’t do that. Even the ’24’ hour ones are often taken in split doses and many others just take insulins that have shorter life spans. Like mine. So where was that sum? Oh, no where. I just had to agonize over it and debate the matter online with my twitter diabetic buddies. After reassurances I cut them around 60/40% which is close to what I took before but the doses are far higher. I will stay up as long as possible to monitor first few hours of having a proper basal insulin in my system again and then check my level every 2 hours during the night (flkerwjgblwejrgljwegb).

Needless to say I’ve asked for university extensions because I won’t get anything done other than maybe emptying the dishwasher until I’m back on a pump. Next few days are going to be brutal and I’m not being pessimistic. As I said, there is a reason I am on a pump.

Protesting Abortion hurts lives. Many have nothing to do with pregnancy

Well that is not entierly true. My womb was involved. I have no interest in sex so if I was pregnant it is very unlikely to be my choice, welcomed, or kept. Still not my point though. My point is I have endometriosis and my current treatment is the coil implant. It is a contraception but I do not have it to stop possible fussion cells. It is for cysts and pain.

When I was to be fitted I was sent to an Edinburgh clinic. That freaked me out enough. I thought my GP would do it and while I did not relish the idea of DR B up my vag, at least I knew him. So clinic was a massive dnw. I found the clunic and then my womb fell out my arse emotion wise. It had had protests. Pro-life protests are linked to the USA, Ireland and the developing world. My country was surely more progressive and respectful of bodily autonomy? It appeared not.

Now I was not going for an abortion nor was I getting the coil for sexual reasons. I was not sexually active. I was just in pain. Yet rather than getting to calmly go and get my procedure I faced the very real possibility that I would face verbal abuse for seeking medical attention for a chronic illness impacting one of my organs. It does not relate so neatly to clusters if cells put that way does it ?

Consequently I had several anxious fits before my appointment. I aporoached the clinic in terror. I scurried across tge road and into the safety of the entrance hall. No one appeared. Most of what that clinic does has nothing to do with abortion  it deals with all aspects of sexual, reproductive and bodily health. That shocks pro-birthers but is true. Most people crossing picket lines in the USA are going to get smears, sexual and health tests they cannot afford elsewhere. Tests for cancer in the cervix and the breasts. And those going for an abortion should receive no judgement. Especially in a nation created by people fleeing religious persecution.

I went. Many will not. Instead they will suffer with their ailments and fear facing a clinic, even here in the UK. Every pharmacy in the UK can end a possible pregnancy the morning after but I do not see them being protested. Perhaps it is because many of these narrow minded people get their own medication there? If I could receice my treatment within the safety of my DRs and the pharmacy next door I would. But I cannot. The place I went actually had a section dedicated to helping fertility. And those people may face posters and accusation of ‘baby killers’. I am all for free speach but perhaps there needs to be limits.

My Diabetic Aunt is My Hero; cause she’s everything they said she wouldn’t be

Today is about diabetes but not mine personally. My aunt has diabetes and she has had it for fifty four years. She as four when she was diagnosed and the first in my family. Before that my gran had never heard of diabetes. My aunt did not have a blood kit and certainly not an insulin pump. What she did have was needles that needed sterilised and one of those horrible vice things that held her whole leg to give an injection.  She was given a single potato with dinner and denied the majority of our present day diet.  She was told she might never see adulthood and went on to have two children of her own. She’s a hero. She’s my hero.

 

I grew up frustrated with her. While my mum said my diabetes should never stop me my aunt struggled to work full time. I did not realise then that she had complications and mum did not. Mum had new technology and aunt did not. Mum had ‘stable diabetes’ and aunt did not. Neither do I. My diabetes is brittle, as is my aunt’s. My mum is blessed, and now realises it, with diabetes that is hard, of course, but follows the rule book. If she follows the A, B and C rules of her Doctors she will get the results she wants. I can follow the same rules and end up nearly in hospital. It is just the beast of the illness.  We now understand each other far more clearly. I now see the aunt whom anyone would say to her ‘you don’t need to go back to work, you’ve paid in, you’re ill’ and who insists ‘no, I can do some hours. I can work. I can do something’.  Her organs are giving up. She is still trying to find a way to do something.

 

My aunt is a giver. Her ex-husband wanted to breed dogs so she did and she  took care of them (apart from a wonderful week where my tiny flat had 8 lab puppies in them. I loved it. My mum, cat and hamster hated it…weird huh?) . She supported her kids to follow their dreams. She took in their pets when they could not care for them and she balanced her health and caring for my elderly grandparents. She appeared on the tv years ago and the family bundled into my grandparents to watch it and record it on a tape. It was a hypo detection device that ended up failing but hey, she tried. And it was her 5 minutes of fame.

 

She’s always been the other option to phone. I’m not saying I played my aunt and mum against each other but from my teens I knew my diabetes was closer to my aunt’s than my mum’s and so I went to her for advice and for back up. Some say it is playing them against each other but fundamentally I was put in a position where I had to put myself first and find allies. My aunt was an ally.  Mum understands it now.

 

As adults we support each other and bring different information to the table. My aunt recently looked at a book that said she needed insulin for cabbage and sweet corn then phoned in panic when she went hypo and my first thought was ‘;erkjgb;kewrg;ewrgb DUH’. MOST of us need to eat a TON of EITHER of those to need A TINY bit of insulin. She took loads of insulin. I saw it in dafne too. Half a tin of carrots and 3u of insulin and wondering why a person was hypo an hour later.

 

Some people will go hypo with those things but they are the minority. We laughed over the phone and I felt weird being the one to give the advice. She’s looking to get a pump too but her diabetes stabilised enough that the hospital wondered. I don’t know if she will get one, or indeed if she wants one but I personally think she needs one. She is so sensitive. I think it would help her.  But then I see what she thinks she needs for a roll and all but fall over! We all have our ideas and our ways.

 

No one is right or wrong. We live our lives and we do our best with the information we are given. My aunt is nearly sixty but she was not sent on dafne when it first happened even though her diabetes was brittle. She still says ‘exchanges’ and then corrects herself. So do we blame her generation for not trying or not doing enough? Uncalled for I say.

 

My grandmother never thought she would see her daughter graduate and now she’s about to hit retirement. (medically, maybe and national seems to be galloping off but STILL). So yeah, my aunt has a lot of complications and she’s not perfect and diabetes is probably going to be why she retires. And she is my hero. Because if she listened to the odds she would  never have seen me be born at all and now we’re a half century later.