and a happy new year

Harry New Year!

 

Now back to diabetic business. I stopped that diet I mentioned a few posts ago. It seems cutting out most bread, crisps, biscuits and so on is not all that great for me. I was going hypo left right and centre with no patterns to speak off. I culled insulin. I hovered over my results and did extra tests but continued to drop, drop and drop some more. I need my carbs. It just seems to be what my body prefers. Basals would remain perfect one day and without any change at all send me into horrendous hypos the next. I dropped so low once during the night that when I ‘came to’ out of my daze I was surrounded by a half empty packet of biscuits a sweet drink and was mindlessly munching my way through a long buried packet of crisps. I have not been that bad in years.

 

So I stepped away from the diet, started having two pieces of toast in the morning  and generally eased up on things. The hypos stopped. Whether I ate the biscuit in the afternoon or I didn’t the hypos stopped. I don’t totally understand why but I’m glad things are better now.

 

It does show though that certain diets don’t mix with certain conditions. Sometimes being bigger is better it seems. Overall I still think my diabetes will be better if I can shift a stone or so but this has really shown me that that is secondary. I mean I knew that before but I always had it in my mind that if I put effort into a diet, I’d lose weight and my diabetes would be grand and yay~ Well not so.

 

My sugars were great over Christmas…where I ate, you know, everything in site. Carb counted like a boss which I was proud of myself for! I do need to work on my pump though because I would rise a bit before I dropped again and I’d rather get that steady line so many seemed to have perfected. Doctors think it is just something my body does. It frustrates my nurse to no end.  My nurse deserves a better diabetic than me given how new she is to nursing. She deserves diabetics whose bodies follow the textbooks not mine which prances along ripping the pages out.

 

I’m going to need to order new pump supplies a fortnight early because of all my eating lol Though I am thinking of changing to the site meant for more athletic people, the one that goes into the skin at an angle for my animas vibe. Frankly too many of my other sites are failing. It was a concern enough that I had to go demonstrate to my nurse that I was putting them in right which was really <i>really</i> humiliating.  I’m clearly a wriggling worm in my bed. I seem to damage the inserts overnight at least one a fortnight where I crack the plastic. It isn’t like I’m a size 26 and putting a lot of weight on them or anything. I just…I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t help that I have an orthopaedic really hard mattress. But surely if the athletic one can handle falling down a mountain skiing then it can handle me?

 

In general though they are just not taking. It has got to the point where I know upon impact if it took or not. I always wait to see the confirmation but I’m right basically 100% of the time. I need to feel a pinch. If I hear the click and feel a hit but no pinch…I know it never pierced the skin. I should  not have to live like that though, assessing my pain threshold to see if a set took.  It should just take! When I didn’t have my pump I missed it like hell. It felt like being back in time but I also miss the safety of mdi. Very rarely did an injection fail. Pumps leave you wondering if you are ok or steamrolling towards DKA every few days and it is that serious for me. I riseSO quickly it is scary.  And of course a pump never needs replaced at a convenient time when you don’t need to eat or when there is no carb free version. I’ve seen me get anxious at uni and have to up my basal and the result us I need to change my set when I also need to eat and there is no carb free option and no time to go get one so I bolus and change and hope.  In those situations I want to have more faith in my set.

 

I used to be horrified at the idea of a sort of permanent implant, something that always connected to your pump and was inserted in a way that the body could not properly eject it. I’m not saying a transplant but those early ideas of a pump that you could disconnected but that the connection space was always there. People freaked out and cried android. I wouldn’t mind it. I’m going to be connected to it 24/7 anyway. My days off it last year, due to a fault, showed me I can never go back to MDI so…why not? It would remove so much stress if all I had to do was get a cartage full and make sure insulin came out the end before sticking that in a hole.

 

Times change people.  I have learned that too. I am no longer so set in my beliefs. Maybe that is what growing up is. The doctors only know the most recent finds. Question them at all times! I would be in a whole world of terrible if I listened to them as a child. They didn’t know kids could be different and then turn out ok. They do now. Great.

 

Over the break the diabetic online community could be heart-warming and heartbreaking. Some went through the whole time with bloods sitting between 5 and 6 and I admit, I seethed. Getting no rise after a meal? I’d love that but it just doesn’t seem to happen for me. But then I had people like @grumpy_pumper not saying numbers as such but boldly stating he was carbing up and having fun and I needed that.

 

I found my own way over Christmas and I’m still finding it now. I still want to lose weight but I’m doing it a different way from others in my home and I think it will come slow this time and that is ok. D first. Scales later.

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play the game. you may lose.

Well I just decided that yes, it was my pump that was the problem and not my attempts to carb count.  I had enough insulin to crawl my way into tomorrow and I did not want to have to face a set fail on Christmas day so even though I was due in time terms to change my set I held off. I thought if it fails in the morning then ok, it is boxing day. It isn’t Christmas.

 

Yeah well I should have known better than the chance.

 

It took a few tests and a few attempted corrections and a few more’blimey that stuffing must be half corn’ to realise that my set was just done. The insulin was there but the link to my body was not. I feel silly and stupid. I should have known better.

 

I played the game and I lost and at half 8 on Christmas day, after hours of feeling crap, I’ve set a new set. I hope it works.

the in-between

What really sucks about being diabetic is when you hover in the in-between. On the one side is your body screaming that you feel sick, can’t really concentrate  and should take a break. On the other side is your mind screaming you don’t have time for breaks, you are not as bad as you could be and are you sure you’re not kidding yourself into getting out of work? The answer is my set failed today. My blood sugar hit 27. I then dropped to 6, climbed back to 16 and am now sitting at 9 all within 4 hours and one correction. I feel sick. I am sick. I should not try and study.

 

But I want to and feel I need to and am very aware of the deadline creeping closer and closer towards me.  I don’t even know how to get an extension on an extension and that won’t really help me anyway because there is another essay and a test and time is running out. The more I do nothing, even for the right reasons, the worse I feel. I get depressed and anxious and that makes it even harder to concentrate.

 

I hate the in-between.

Captain America Trailer

I’m excited about the Captain America: Civil War trailer. I promised not everything I wrote here would be about health because my life is not all about health so yay superhero ramblings.

Mostly, it is great to see so many avengers and characters from various individual films making the crossover. Sometimes the world feels rather disjointed. Where was Tony when Steve was bringing down Hydra, you know? Where was Steve when Tony was having panic attacks on live TV? Where was any proper discussion of Tony’s adventure in Ultron? I mean, Thor you can forgive and Bruce likes to hide but the lack of crossover within the Cap/Tony/Pepper/Happy/Rhodey circle has needed to come. Natasha is the connection but we need more than just her. I’m also glad to see the new avengers though slightly miffed I will need to cave and go watch Ant-Man.
I will end up loving it now I’m saying this but it just doesn’t appeal to me. Usually Marvel trailers have me all ‘I NEED THIS FILM’ and AntMan just didn’t do it for me. Neither did Guardians of the Galaxy. I later streamed Guardians and while I enjoyed the aesthetic and had fun I have no desire to re-watch it you know? But fantastic play from Marvel…everything makes more sense if you watch everything. Too bad for Marvel Putlocker is still a thing.

I really want to see the Avengers find out that PHIL IS NOT DEAD. I don’t care that Joss now sulks about whether it is in the universe or not. It still is so make it happen. Maria Hill still swoops between as do Hydra villains. I’m not saying bring in Daisy in right this instant to kick ass but have them stumble over CCTV, have them argue, have it be revealed Nat knows and make her say ‘it’s classified’ (cause she so would). SOMETHING. Agents of Shield is fun on its own but it really has the potential to combine SO well and there more minor actors/tv actors that work on the movies would happily work both so Marveeeeeelllll.

 

And I refuse to believe they couldn’t write even a 3 episode arc for one of the big guns to appear. Jeremy SO would. Hell I really think Chris and Robert would though Robert might be more pricey to convince. Plus I wanna see May kick Rumlow’s ass and totally not react at all to meeting Tony Stark cause she’s May and fuck people.

Anyway trailer. Bucky looks broken. I approve. I don’t think he should just get away with what he did but fandom seems to have fractured down the middle on that note. I do not believe he should be thrown in jail and the key thrown away because he was brainwashed and hydra brainwashing is canonically total control, no will of their own. It is nothing like cults or religion or political totalitarian regimes. People can still think for themselves. It is a capability that they have. Bucky’s character does not have that. It is part of what makes the brainwashing of hydra so terrifying and such a deep plot point. Yet no one who is under the influence of say, heavy psychotic medication or mental illness is punished in reality in the same way a cold blooded killer is. Stone killers you put in jail for ever. Mentally ill people you put in, yes a confinement, but with the medical treatment they need to reclaim themselves. They still must pay for their actions in time ect but they are given a certain amount of understanding. Or made to give back.

I believe Bucky should be contained but with mental health doctors and therapy. If he could be found sane enough to use his abilities to aid in certain situations then I see that a reflection of the real world. It is just on a magnified scale of circumstances. It is exactly what happens now. People are allowed out to do certain things under supervision, with someone taking personal responsibility of that person. I think that would be a good way to put things on screen but we shall see. To me, Bucky is a victim as well as a perpetrator. The world isn’t black and white, good people and death eaters or…Bucky and the Winter Soldier.

Those who did the brainwashing though? Deserve their fingernails ripped off with tweezers, because to strip someone of their identity, self will and control and make them do inhumane things is truly evil. I think it is the thing we fear most as humans, that someone could do that to us.

I don’t know if I’m team Cap or team Tony to be honest. If a person had that much power, I do think there should be some sort of record. Guns have records after all. The issue is I don’t trust the people who would have those records. So that puts me towards Cap. I just understand why Team Tony is a thing. Again, not black and white.

Pump Death: The Injection Edition

Today has been appalling. My diabetes has been weird this week. I always felt I was chasing it. It felt like my insulin never brought me down quite as much as it should, you know? Well today at slimming class I found out why <s>and now putting on that pound makes so much more sense as I’ve been pouring insulin down my throat</s>. I take my pump off to get weighed cause she’s a heavy bugger and because it raises awareness because people wonder what I’m doing. Little things in life you know? Well, I had put my second pair of socks and boots back on when I happened to notice my pump.

And the inch long crack down the middle of it. Right down the side of where the battery is kept has cracked open. I can get my nails down it easily. Spiderweb cracks are all over the side where the insulin is kept and the back in general looks…melted. I fell at the start of the week and banged my chest. I think I’ve started the crack and damaged the battery and it has slowly leaked? The pump itself claims it is working fine but evidence suggests not.

I’m really lucky I didn’t get a serious chemical burn from the battery acid o.o

No wonder my blood sugar has remained stubbornly in the high teens for 3 days. So I left mum in class and went into the hall’s kitchen area to phone animas, the pump maker. He took all my details of the damage, contacts and how I was being effected ie, high bloods, ketones and symptoms they log as ‘dehydration’ but the diabetics just say ‘thirsty’. He has stated that the pump will be replaced.

However, he cannot do that tonight. That needs to be signed off by the 9-5 team tomorrow. They can only fix things over the phone, not replace them. And he has no idea when my replacement would consequently arrive. So that is stressful. In the interim I am back on injections. Well, insulin pens. Stab and insulin goes in devices. I hate it. Taking an injection with a pen after 2 years just felt utterly bizarre. More than that though, I do not have the pump because it was a lifestyle change or because the stats like it as many diabetics do in other countries based on insurance. I have one because injections did not work.

Failure of the injections meant I could not work for 3 years. I could barely leave my damn house at times. Now I’m relying on them again? It is a horrible feeling. It shows why diabetics on pumps still get prescribed their ‘long acting’ insulin that can last between 12 and 24 hours despite using 5 hour insulins in the pump. The pump is my organ but is also a machine and machines break. You have to do a ridiculous calculation to convert pump insulin amounts to injection ones. It really is very complicated when the majority of people needing to figure that number out are doing it because their machine broke. But I managed it. Given my already terrible maths skills that is impressive but I had more maths minded people confirm it for me.

Of course that brought another dilemma. The calculation is based on a person taking one dose of a 24 hour long background insulin. Many people these days don’t do that. Even the ’24’ hour ones are often taken in split doses and many others just take insulins that have shorter life spans. Like mine. So where was that sum? Oh, no where. I just had to agonize over it and debate the matter online with my twitter diabetic buddies. After reassurances I cut them around 60/40% which is close to what I took before but the doses are far higher. I will stay up as long as possible to monitor first few hours of having a proper basal insulin in my system again and then check my level every 2 hours during the night (flkerwjgblwejrgljwegb).

Needless to say I’ve asked for university extensions because I won’t get anything done other than maybe emptying the dishwasher until I’m back on a pump. Next few days are going to be brutal and I’m not being pessimistic. As I said, there is a reason I am on a pump.

Protesting Abortion hurts lives. Many have nothing to do with pregnancy

Well that is not entierly true. My womb was involved. I have no interest in sex so if I was pregnant it is very unlikely to be my choice, welcomed, or kept. Still not my point though. My point is I have endometriosis and my current treatment is the coil implant. It is a contraception but I do not have it to stop possible fussion cells. It is for cysts and pain.

When I was to be fitted I was sent to an Edinburgh clinic. That freaked me out enough. I thought my GP would do it and while I did not relish the idea of DR B up my vag, at least I knew him. So clinic was a massive dnw. I found the clunic and then my womb fell out my arse emotion wise. It had had protests. Pro-life protests are linked to the USA, Ireland and the developing world. My country was surely more progressive and respectful of bodily autonomy? It appeared not.

Now I was not going for an abortion nor was I getting the coil for sexual reasons. I was not sexually active. I was just in pain. Yet rather than getting to calmly go and get my procedure I faced the very real possibility that I would face verbal abuse for seeking medical attention for a chronic illness impacting one of my organs. It does not relate so neatly to clusters if cells put that way does it ?

Consequently I had several anxious fits before my appointment. I aporoached the clinic in terror. I scurried across tge road and into the safety of the entrance hall. No one appeared. Most of what that clinic does has nothing to do with abortion  it deals with all aspects of sexual, reproductive and bodily health. That shocks pro-birthers but is true. Most people crossing picket lines in the USA are going to get smears, sexual and health tests they cannot afford elsewhere. Tests for cancer in the cervix and the breasts. And those going for an abortion should receive no judgement. Especially in a nation created by people fleeing religious persecution.

I went. Many will not. Instead they will suffer with their ailments and fear facing a clinic, even here in the UK. Every pharmacy in the UK can end a possible pregnancy the morning after but I do not see them being protested. Perhaps it is because many of these narrow minded people get their own medication there? If I could receice my treatment within the safety of my DRs and the pharmacy next door I would. But I cannot. The place I went actually had a section dedicated to helping fertility. And those people may face posters and accusation of ‘baby killers’. I am all for free speach but perhaps there needs to be limits.